Documented Explorations of the Chaotic Mind

 

 

 

Ladies and Gentlemen...

So I just watched the last episode of Girls. 

Holy shit.

 

If there was ever a moment that Lena Dunham did it for me, it was the series finale of Girls. I'll save my ode to Lena for another day, and no I'm not a huge Lena Dunham fan. But I can't deny, the girl and I have things in common. This documentation exists to celebrate the ending of one tour and the beginning of another. 

I learned a lot on the regeneration tour. 

It was a time I dedicated to really understanding. Understanding my choices. My demons. My realities. It was a chapter in my life that I had been anxiously awaiting. A time where I knew I would be confronted with my true nature and my true desires. A time where my defense mechanisms and walls would come down. A time where I would get it. Where I would grow up.

And before I dig myself into a hole, I'll say this. I am not grown up. Not all the way. Whatever that even means. And I still make mistakes. And I still make choices I don't always understand. And I still revel and celebrate how young I am and how old my soul feels and everything in between, but for the sake of this, I have grown. But I'm no full blown grown up. Not yet.

So, the regeneration tour.

It was in this 'phase', 'chapter', 'lesson', whatever you want to call it...or rather however it resonates best with you...that I was to open myself up and get vulnerable. Get honest. Get humble. And get real. For my loved ones. For my dreams. For myself.

I am selfish. I have always been selfish. But it's not all my fault. There are many circumstances and moments along the way that have shaped this quality in me. But here's what I know now.

It's mostly my fault. Or rather, my doing.

It was mostly my choices that led to me another lesson *cough mistake cough*. But I accept that now. Love, friendship, work ethic, parenting, personality and family. You name it, I covered it. As if I were touring cities across the country, I toured through pretty much every aspect of life that I could. I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to divulge every dirty detail of all the happenings of my life the past 8 months. It was a long tour with a lot of gory and glory stories.

My recent roommate would joke that my life was like a movie. The things that occurred within a week of my life maxed many life quotas. Maybe not in scope, but in proximity and timing. But I have decided that for now, I'm going to keep all the details to myself. I will say though there's been some pretty big stories:

The time with the tribe that lit up my world and also taught me the biggest lesson of friendship so far. The time I got a brother I wish I always had. The time I  realized I couldn't live without the brother I got. The time I found my creative potential. The time I almost settled for safe. The time I fought for the the love of my life. The time I had a dog for a week. The time where my fingerprints didn't go away. The time I finally admitted what I had always felt and always thought but never had the courage to say. The time I stopped trying. And just lived. The time I saw myself. As I really am. 

It has been constant suffering. Constant failing. Constant tears. Constant loss. 

No this didn't happen to me. I ran into each experience face first like a kid to processed sugar. Every foundational piece of bullshit that supported my life up to this point was erased. One by one. Every aspect of my adult being was screaming to be exercised. You don't know something until you have lived it. So I live it. I live it all. Because then, I actually know.

But then something started happening. Deep DEEP down, I felt something I don't think I had ever truly felt. And that was happiness. Not manufactured happiness. Not the Instagram worthy happiness. Not the fleeting perfect day happiness. No, I felt the confusing bitter sweet unfamiliar but known to the soul core kind of happiness. I was finally living authentically. Things that I always wanted to happen started happening. It wasn't the life I imagined for myself. It was better. Because it was real. For those who have been reading for awhile, I have reiterated and regurgitated many similar sentiments. But what was happening each time was me getting closer to a truth I feel confident in and see clearly now. I can't quite put my finger on it for you. But I know despite the profound pain and manic episodes, I am doing something right.

I have finally wandered through the forest long enough to find the path suited for me. 

Which leads me to two things.

1. As basic as it makes me and as horrid as it feels, as Girls comes to its series end and we say goodbye to the characters that were there from the start, I feel the farewell. These lessons on tv were the ones happening and shaping what was happening around me. It's ridiculous and sort of scary but I could never deny the synchronicity. Hannah finally gets it. She finally stops thinking and steps into the world. I watch the final scene of the final episode; where Hannah's mother chases her around her new adult home and enables Hannah to accept that no one has it easy. That having a baby is for life. It's not a choice you can take back. That for the first time, something has happened in Hannah's life that she can't take back. That she can't claim happened TO her. Needless to say, minus the baby, I get it. Blaming the world and waiting for the answers to be handed over free of pay. That's not reality. That's not this world. It's been my world. But living in my world hasn't done me many favors.

AND

2. How much I love my parents. How grateful and beyond devoted I am to giving back all the things they gave me. I didn't know until recently how hard being a parent is. (For anyone who needs more info on my time as a one week parent, you'll have to wait until the processing of the hard choice is complete.) But my parents, they for sure did their part in messing up as parents do. But I get it. Everyone is just doing their best. We don't make it easier as kids when we just expect the goods and emotionally abuse them when they don't make it easier. No one ever tells you how hard it is when you grow up. But they do. Everyone does. The thing is, everyone is too busy dealing with their own shit to make it easier on anyone else. Because everyone is feeling pain all the time. And we are all just doing our best. And my parents did nothing but constantly show and tell me how loved my siblings and I are. And I am one of the luckiest people I know to have them as mine. I get it now rents, I really do.

So...

I'm going to hang my hat for awhile on documenting my more personal feelings and go back to writing about the things happening around me. The observations, the notions and the questions I see in the world. I will be the observer again. Sure, I will probably squeeze myself in there once in awhile, but I'll do my best to keep it real.

So folks, thank you for attending the Regeneration Tour. It was a blast. But it's time to move on from that.

There is no point to this one. It's simple. 

Ladies and gents, I invite you on The Progress Tour.

Because everything and every day is progress.

"There's always a lack of a resolution, but there's always a choice to do better."