Documented Explorations of the Chaotic Mind




Thank you Katherine Hudson.

I bet you don't know who Katherine Hudson is. I didn't either. Until today.

Katherine Hudson is Katy Perry. Her 'real' name. 

Now the only reason I know this is because as of late I have been on my phone so much plugging my life away that I have come to rely on Youtube videos to keep me stimulated during long car rides and lonely work breaks and instead of goofy parodies or cute animal videos I would look to celebrity interviews. Now yes I admit I have a strong guilty pleasure for entertainment news and drama...but my reasoning for tuning into these random interviews was more so for inspiration and even education as I pursue some of the things these people have accomplished. Along the way of finding interviews with people I can actually stand, I noticed a video that promoted Katy Perry Therapy Session. 

I was intrigued.

As a strong supporter of therapy and all things self help, I wanted to know what kind of show Katy Perry was putting on while promoting her newest album. And no, I haven't heard nor do I really plan to. HOWEVER!

Right off the bat I was very open to the man she was talking to. I never name names here (except well Katy's...) But for the sake of integrity...he is the the Viceland Therapist. (figure it out on your own time). The Viceland therapist possessed an energy and an attitude that I was instantly attracted to. And Katy Perry sat across from him as her always on and always quirky self. That is until he told her to sit back.

The girl couldn't physically sit back and relax without him telling her to. 

Something about this resonated with me. So the session opens up and they discuss Katy/Katherine's past: grew up around religion, strict and professional upbringing, repressed sense of self... and as I am listening, I'm familiar with this info so I am waiting on the good stuff. And all of a sudden the pair begin discussing some type of 'angel card' that Katy had 'picked' a few years back. I can assume these are holistic cards that promote or inspire some type of life lesson or sentiment that ultimately provide some type of awakening or appreciation. I've used them. And they work. But I am a believer so... maybe it depends.

ANYWAY. The card Katy picked was authenticity. A word I've heard many times before.

The conversation continues and as it does we start to see Katy Perry diminish. Suddenly the pitch of her voice gets higher. The body seems relaxed but also tense. The eyes start darting around in thought. And the tears can't be held in.

Katy has given into Katherine.

She begins to describe that though she had a full childhood, at some point in her young age, her evolving was cut off. Katy was thrusted into a world of chaos and professionalism. Add religion into that and yah...I can understand why wearing whipped cream on your boobs and singing songs about magic seemed appealing. Her youth was expressed through this public image. With the addition of access and publicity, that youthfulness is now being channeled into temptation and extravagance. So they go through the notion that Katherine Hudson is the inner dork. She is the one that loves family, affection, intimacy. But Katy Perry is the star. How does one blend the two? How does one of the biggest pop stars in the world turn off the show and just be?

I'm asking myself the same question. So I don't have an answer. 

But it's why this random little Youtube video inspired me to write today. Because I get it. I've been there. And no, I am not nor have I ever been an international pop star. But I for sure lived behind a name before rather than exposing my authentic self. And heck even after months of exposing myself, somehow I was able to fall right back into the machine of life and forget about this. Forget about my commitment to my authenticity. Forget about the work it takes everyday to be confident and choose happiness. It is the easiest thing in the world to be in a therapy session and really open up and feel safe...and then notice the clock and it's time to leave and you wipe the tears and check your face in the mirror because the rest of the world needs your Name. Needs your mask to be up. It takes work every day to take the mask off and to use it in times of need. 

The last few minutes of the therapy session, Katherine is holding back tears then Katy pipes up and makes a joke about her looking like a hot mess and checks her makeup before sitting down to make a comment that the internet will destroy her for that last clip. The one where she was the most authentic. The one where she was truly honoring the part of her that no one gets to see. The part that she keeps dormant. Because Katherine's ego Katy decided that the time was up on being vulnerable. 

To be honest, I feel bad for Katy/Katherine. I was very empathetic to her until she ended the session by making a comment about the internet and checking her face. Because she has to get up everyday and decide to be Katy Perry, and why would she stop? That kind of situation destroys people. It kills people. We live in an age now where we have EVERY tool and platform to expose our true selves. But we don't do it. We use these opportunities as means to exploit and create ourselves. And trust me, I am not immune to it. But like I said, it is easy to forget.

I haven't written in over a month. And before that I had written once a month. I look back at the beginning of this year where I was writing EVERY DAY. But I forgot about it. I forgot to honor my authentic self. Life got in the way. Friendships changed. Relationships changed. Work changed. And no, I don't fear change as much as I used to. But I see how fast it comes now and it swept me off my feet. 

I forgot to do this. To honor myself. 

I had several encounters the past couple days that really inspired me. They were brief encounters with both new and old friends. I share a special bond with each of them. There is something bigger we understand...a soul connection if you will. And though I have been surrounded by brilliant and loving people this entire year, it fueled me in a way I had been neglecting. A spiritual tune up. A reminder of where I have been and what I want to be doing. 

No, I don't live up to whatever reputation I had as an adolescent (thank god) but there was another mask that I was wearing even through the healing process that was the start of this year. The start of this. 

I am still looking for balance. I am still between my Katherine Hudson and my Katy Perry. But what has changed in recent days that I had been ignoring was that I let myself tune out again. I can't ignore it anymore. 

Something has been missing. And it's the fulfillment and joy I get when I am tuning into myself and my needs. Not for the other people around me. Not for the work. Not for the praise and recognition of how I handle that. But just for me, knowing that my authenticity has been challenged and having to find and honor it again is a place I am happy to be.

And I am thankful that Katy Perry decided to share her personal therapy session with the world. Because it reminded me to do the same.

Life doesn't stop or slow down when you need it to. So I am back to working with this and not being swept under the wave.

I can't promise this will be every day, but feels good to be back.