Documented Explorations of the Chaotic Mind




The Reeping

Yesterday was one of those days where everything works out.

I woke up and felt the pangs of my nerves growing in my stomach as I thought about what was before me. The first day of casting for Crude. His birthday. It's a day.

But we did it. I was able to be on the other side of the table. It enlightened me. I was able to understand the experience we go through as actors. I had a power I had never felt before. I was creating something and sharing it with other people. We all had a power. An influence. A fate in our hands. It's a bittersweet position. To have that power. You must maintain objectivity but use your subjective instincts to discern the best possible choice. Needless to say, the whole experience was one I will remember. I could feel Him in the room with us. I could feel the pangs in my gut when someone was right for a role. I could feel the words beginning to form in my mouth, prepping me to have to explain why some reads didn't work. I am one step closer in this journey to giving this baby a life. I am pleased. Very pleased. But I am aware of myself. I am aware of my position, and I will have to report more on the journey of having this power. We all know with great power comes great responsibility. So far, I've given myself over to this and I understand that quote more so now than I ever have.

Which leads me to the birthday.

A bundle of sunflowers, two bottles of champagne, and two baby cakes later, the OG crew found themselves on the roof. Tucked away in the corner of the Grove roof parking lot, we watched the sun set on the lustrous hills of houses and Hollywood sign holiness. We all crammed into my jeep with the roof off and sang a timely version of happy birthday. We managed to keep the flickering candles lit in the wind and passed the first bottle of bubbly as some music appropriated the scene. We all had our moments of silence. Then we just sat together. We just sat and felt what the day meant to all of us. It is a difficult position yet again. The responsibility you feel that comes with a power.

It was in my power to honor a tradition I shared with him. That was to be on that roof. To create a moment I would want to share with him and always have. I am blessed to be able to have shared that with my dearest friends. The people that I am bonded to. But it is a difficult experience to honor someone who isn't around anymore, and not make it about yourself. In some ways I fear the moment on the roof at some point felt forced. I trust it didn't because everything worked in harmony yesterday. 

But I always hold onto the notion that by creating these moments and sharing them with other people that it may not mean to them what it does for me. Because it isn't their tradition. It is now. We share it. But it's origin lies in my story. Sometimes it can be scary exposing that. I don't question a single moment of it. I am not going to dwell on that. We all chose to be on that roof and we all chose to share that moment. And as we touched sunflower heads and I naturally wished mine off the side of the roof, I felt it be the perfect ending to a seemingly perfect day. But it got better. After the roof, we agreed the best thing to do was to gorge ourselves on authentic mexican grub and come back to the bungalo, aka my house and watch a movie. The movie was The Lion King! A Disney classic that pretty much taught me everything. It was such a refreshing reminder to watch something nostalgic. Something that excited us all. Something that felt right on this day. We agreed our next step was to of course continue the tradition with Disney Classic night, but everything about our efforts and desires just met up.

It was a day of synchronicities.

It was divine.

My point is this: Sometimes, when you really want to  things to run smoothly, they do. It's all about being as prepared as you can be and then surrendering. It's one of those things that your superiors advise, but you can't apply until you are experiencing it. I showed up, I gave it my all and I hoped for the best. And the best is what I got. The reeping always calls for a split of selves, but when you fight for what you want, sometimes you pull a Katniss, and change the game. Sometimes, you win.