I've been getting this feeling that I need to speak up lately.
The past week and a half I have noticed a change. A shift in energy if you will. Everything I thought I knew about what was happening around me has changed. I'm not entirely sure why or how exactly things have changed but they have. In friendships, romantic endeavors, motivations...everything. I feel different.
Maybe it's because I've been sick for a week. Maybe my body's reaction to the illness has temporarily impaired my ability to perceive things as they are. Maybe I'm projecting an insecurity onto my outer circumstances in a way that alienates me into this kind of thinking. Maybe none of this is true and things have just changed.
I had drinks with my dear friend the other night, a friend whom I always seem to share similar life experiences with and we were discussing that we are the types of people who need to say how we feel otherwise we don't act authentically. We must express ourselves and be aggressive otherwise we coil into awkwardness and visible discomfort. We were discussing our love lives at the time. And how I have been in a position where I haven't been able to properly act upon my feelings for another. Someone who isn't in reach, proximity wise. In these situations: do you let it be and hope for the best? Or do you voice your feelings and hope they are met with empathy and reciprocation? Usually, I am pretty quick to jump on the speak up train. My stance in life has always pretty much been if you have something to say then you have nothing to lose. The words are already in your head, so if you don't say them you are met with regret and wondering. If you do say them then you have a tangible experience to you forward with. Forward not backward. Not speaking up enables you to stay stuck. Saying something affects change, even if it doesn't feel good in the moment. So I decided to say something to the guy. And though I won't divulge the happenings afterwards, I have to admit, I feel better that I know I've done what I can to feel better about the situation. I said something.
I decided to speak up yesterday morning. Barely awake, I decided I would reach out to the two remaining people on my shit list that I still harbored ill will towards for past transgressions. These people had been big parts of my life in Chicago and when I moved, the relationships crumbled. It took me a long time to get to the point where I wanted peace. But yesterday without thinking, I sent them both a message explaining my desire for peace and that if they ever needed me I would be there. I didn't expect anything back, nor was I sure I wanted to hear back, but I spoke up. I finally said something. I cut through the tension and brought awareness and peace to the situation in the way I knew how. With my words.
I am in a situation currently where I am actually unsure whether to speak up or not. My dearest friends as of late were attached at the hip. We were doing everything together. And suddenly, pretty much after the time of our gentlemen's party, something has changed. Sure it may be due to the fight that broke out. It could be the fact that the party sort of got the best of all of us. Maybe we are all just busy. I've said it before, I don't really do maybe's. So my instincts are telling me it is something else. But I am cautious to speak up in this case. My friends live together, they have a united front in a way that I don't. They inherently share everything because of their proximity, so I decide not to be around them for a few days, the dynamics can shift simply because of space. I know deep down the love and loyalty is the same, but when the daily dynamics shift, it is hard not to notice. I am cautious because I fear putting pressure on friends when I am honest. What if they don't feel or see what I feel? What if I make it worse by bringing it up? I don't do what if's either, so I have to admit to myself that there is something that needs to be said. I miss the intimacy we shared. I miss feeling like I was an important part of the chain. I know I am an adult and these things are pretty moot in the bigger picture, but they are my family here. When you don't feel close to your family, its an alienating and uncomfortable experience. Not to mention when you see evidence of their proximity and you're not there, sure I was probably doing something else, but the fomo of not even having been told is what hurts. In the past, I would've run away. I would've decided to move on and probably find other people to fill my time and forget about the pain of the fomo. I would slightly resent the people and decide it was in my best interest to look out for myself and move forward. I don't want to do that now. I want to establish my loyalty and commitment to my friends again. Even if they are uncomfortable with my feelings or don't see what I see, something needs to be said.
Otherwise, what is the point? What is the point of feeling or being if you can't express your authentic self?