Documented Explorations of the Chaotic Mind




I Forget I am Human.

I woke up from a terrible dream this morning.

You know those dreams where everything is working against you and you can never achieve or get to where you want to be? The kind of dream where everyone you interact with is somehow against you or prevents you from moving forward? Yah, it was one of those. In little detail I can divulge that this dream included: the man I have feelings for straight up rejecting me, old friends somehow being invited into present day sacred events, new friends abandoning me, family choosing other people over me, me needing to be inebriated to not feel the pain of the shit storm and an ice storm. The only cool part of the dream I can recall is when I swung on a rope across an large movie theatre, but naturally I didn't land in my yah. Great way to wake up. Not to mention whatever sickness I caught this week has prevented me from breathing properly in a few days.

Needless to say, I'm on fire.

So upon waking up, I contacted my two people. One is my soulmate that doesn't live here but is my eternal sister in every way. The other being my other soul mate, my 'person' who lives here in LA. Both of these people are the other halves to my friendship heart, both of which will be receiving posts very soon. But I only really bother them with my troubles when they become too big for me to grasp. As of this morning, that's how I felt. My distant friend is always a reminder that it's never that bad. And I was put to ease a bit. My person in LA reminded me of something that I do not like admitting, in fact I fight it constantly:

That I am only human.

That all the things I experienced in my dream are a facet of my subconscious dealing with my human experience. I explained how I felt after hearing the guy I like wanted nothing to do with me, and how my current friends needed space from me, and how my family wasn't proud of me...all of these things are real fears for me. I have a VERY large fear of being abandoned. I've divulged before that this abandonment issue appears in many of my relationships. That it is a reason I either bolt first or push people away. It's why I sometimes smother the people I love and constantly reassure our connection, because I am used to dissolving relationships. It doesn't feel good. In fact, it makes me a feel like a bad person.

Another giant fear of mine. Actually, probably my biggest. When I am asked what my biggest fear is, I respond by saying it's me being misunderstood. Sometimes it's unfulfilled potential. But digging deeper and finally coming to terms with what that means to me, it's this:

I am afraid that I am a bad person.

That I am a bad person with nasty and manipulative intentions, but that I have learned so well how to hide that and how to mask it with tricks and tools. I fear that I am the snake that makes up a part of spirit animal family. I fear I am truly a Slytherin. I work very hard at maintaining a personal balance of selfless and selfish. I understand the healthy way to be selfish, but that took me a long time. For most of my adolescence, I was too smart for my own good and knew how to work the system of life. Sure, I put my family through hell. Yes, I burned a lot of bridges. But in my mind, I was becoming stronger. I was learning more about the way life works, so that in the long run, I could use it for good. That I would one day stabilize all this energy and harness towards the greater good. I truly do believe I am doing this, but once in awhile, something in life will happen that knocks me off my high horse and I am reminded that I am merely human.

I am not anything more than that. Sure, I am extremely perceptive and intuitive. I can read people like books. I know what I bring to the table and I trust the universe has my back. I believe with everything that I have that at all times, everything is working in our favor. That even the set backs are lessons. But once in awhile, the wheel spins on me and I feel the lack and the fear that make me human. It is exposed and I am vulnerable. I have to receive.

It is one of the hardest things in the world for me to Receive. I can give give give until I have nothing left to give. Because giving offers me control. And when you're in control, there is a small chance of being affected by life and it's humanity. Yes, I actually do enjoy giving and being generous. It's not all some act. But if you watch me try to accept love or sentimentality from another person, you will notice the visible shift in my body language, voice, and overall demeanor because it doesn't feel as natural to me. Being vulnerable is not my choice. 

But it's ironic. All I am chasing in every area of life I commit myself to is vulnerability and connection. I am an actor, a writer, and in time, a more evolved life coach. All of these things require above all, vulnerability and connection. I fear that when people see me crack, when they see me cave into my primal emotions whether it be anger, fear, sadness and destruction that they will change their opinion of who I am as a person and distance themselves from me. Sometimes slowly and subtly, sometimes with a door in my face. It's not that I am fooling anyone by appearing to be a zen, balanced, inspired and ambitious human being. I am all of those things. Just not all of the time. But I don't like other people to see the down time. The human side. I prefer to be superhuman. I find comfort in it. But as with all things, over time, I had to learn that this is not reality. This isn't a new lesson. It's just one I have decided to finally come clean about.

The dream shook me. I woke up feeling like my entire life was in shambles. That everything I had worked for was of no use to me. That all the relationships I had put effort into were on shaky terms and not stable. I felt detached and abandoned. Let me clear, I am aware this was my subconscious' way of gaining closure on things that have been brewing in my mind for awhile. I am an open person, despite my fear of being vulnerable, and I know how to communicate. So when there is an open ended situation in my life, it is difficult for me not to fixate on it and try to find a resolution. To be back in control. But I understand and accept this is a lesson I must face again. That there is no control. I know this. I trust this. In fact, I love it. I love being back to a stable place of knowing there is no control. You can only control small things in your life that really don't get attention from other people. It's for you. For awhile after returning to LA from the holidays, I believe I let my ego get the best of me with all the new energy this year brought. New friends, new opportunities, new chances for chaos. And I fell into the chaos. Up until it spit me out. 

Which is where I am at today. I am not perfect. I never will be. No one is. This isn't news, but I have to remind myself of this because I am my biggest critic. As I have said before, there is rarely something someone can say to me that I don't already know about myself. This isn't me being cocky, it's me being honest. Because my life is dedicated to it. To self discovery. Which is why when I am not on that path, I panic. I am human after all. We don't always know the path. Sometimes we get lost. And it's the people and the opportunities that support this notion that will continue to educate me and enable me to find balance again. I have to remind myself once again, that I am human. That I have flaws and I crack sometimes, but that I am still the same generous, gregarious, loving, and confusing person I'll always be.

And I have to remember that because of my strong inner critic, usually when I fall off my horse like I feel I have this week, I usually get back on and ride even harder. Like I've said before, I learn through angst. Angst is what elevates me to the next level. And I'm there.

My point is this: Even when we are on top of the world, remember the world is not that big. Remember, no one is ever meant to be at the top. Because when you are at the top, it is a long way down. But the joy in this is remembering we are all in it together. We are all only human. And being human means we get to admit to our shortcomings and mistakes. We get to celebrate our wins. We feel and think at all times. It never goes away. So instead of fighting your humanity when it works against you, be grateful for the experience. Because being human is magic. And when you feel the weight of the world  on your shoulders, just remember, you're merely human. You're not alone.