Documented Explorations of the Chaotic Mind

 

 

 

The Cost of Being Free

I had a premonition the other night.

In the vision/dream, I walked into my house and saw a bunch of girls doing something that really pissed me off. In the vision, I was yelling at the girls and at my current roommate to the get the F out of my house. I recall waking up from this dream and feeling really unsettled. It came out of no where. And I sincerely do not feel this way towards my roomie or anybody he brings over.

But then the Gentlemen's Party happened. And I will say, due to discretion, that the party was a success. All of our hard work and efforts paid off and it seems everyone who attended had a great time! Everyone came dressed to the nines, rules were followed, and my outfit changes were on point. But as hosting goes, the best part of my night was the beginning. When it was just our few good friends celebrating together. This is my happiness.

I believe the party idea came to me as a final hurrah. A closing chapter to a lifestyle and an identity that I have been working really hard to shed. Sure, I will always like to party. I wouldn't want to completely step away from a good time once in awhile, but deep down, the gentlemen's party was my farewell to the days of hedonism and adolescence. Sure, I will host another party down the road. Way far down the road. But the intent will be different. I have to admit and I will touch on this more later...something has been distracting me in life lately. My social life started to get noisier than my daily life. I know first hand, this is not usually a great sign for me. It's usually best to keep all aspects in balance, but I tend to sometimes let my social life overtake me. The past week and a half, I was under its spell. The excitement, the drama, the glamor and spontaneity of an active social life is a weakness for me. The power it provides was more or less an addiction of mine. But it is exactly this power that I have worked hard to walk away from. Not running the show. Not doing things to be seen. But I have to admit, I let the party get the best of me. Which is probably why almost every little thing that could go wrong that day, did. I won't go into grave detail as everything is sorted and dandy now, but needless to say, I am happy other people had a good time and hopefully will remember the party fondly. Me? I'm good for awhile.

But this takes me back to my premonition. So I am not going to go into detail at all on this one, I respect the people involved too much..but the end of the party brought it's own challenges. One of them being a loud and physical altercation between myself and a friend. Don't get the wrong idea, we are not savages. But there was a moment where we both just snapped. There is much history that flows between me and this person, and honestly, I sort of had a feeling in time that something like this would happen. I have tried for a very long time to maintain a peaceful and honest relationship with this person, but time after time, emotions ran thick and life gets in the way, and over and over I am reminded that despite our both wanting to be close and share our sacred intimacy...it's toxic. We are toxic to each other. Again, don't panic. Punches weren't thrown or anything so don't let your curiosity run wild. First off, no I don't condone violence ever but we are all only human and sometimes the breaking point causes a primal reaction, and yes, if I have to defend myself, I will. But then it happened: I found myself saying the same exact thing to this person that I did in my dream. I didn't realize it until the day after, but I was shaken! I've never had such a clear vision of something like that in my life. And although I am at ease over the situation now and trust there will be harmony among us again, I can't help but take it as an obvious sign.

A sign that my social life could use some quiet. A sign that this person, despite our best efforts, just isn't meant to be so close to me. And a sign that I've veered off my peaceful path a little too much and I need to get back on the trail. 

It's why I have been avoiding writing. I wasn't feeling inspired with who I was being and I didn't see the miracles and the light in each day. I was consumed with my ego and the effects of that ego in the world. And it came right back and bit me in the ass. I have had to learn this lesson countless times. I have a very devious way of comforting myself when I know I'm not living to my highest frequency, and to be honest, I hate it. I wish I never learned how to be comfortable in angst. I wish I didn't crave drama from time to time. I wish I didn't need the stories that often define me and enable others to live vicariously through me. I mean, in one sense, it will always be me. But I had a revelation while talking to my mother today that even despite my best efforts, the drama somehow follows me! It's something in my nature that evokes chaos after a certain amount of time. 

Which leads me to my observation of the day.

Besides being physically and emotionally drained, I decided not to feel sorry for myself and instead tune it in to my work. My art. My life. So I am exposing myself here. I am admitting that I am someone who craves power. Attention. Influence. I am constantly refining myself to be a person who uses these attributes for good! And PLEASE, I believe I have been doing that. But even a little 'slip up' is bound to happen. It's the 'downs' I always refer to. Days or sometimes weeks where I sort of forget who I am and who I want to be. My ego takes over and despite my ability to sense it happening, the body wins. But I have trained my mind to fight back. To not lose days out of my life analyzing and reading into something that I can move on from. I used to hold onto everything. It's a big reason why I have intimacy and commitment issues. It's a huge reason as to why I can give give give, but it's so hard for me to receive. It shows up everywhere. In my friendships, love life, acting... letting go and keeping momentum. I am getting better at it everyday. And in hindsight, I am happy the party incident happened because it shook me out of my trance. It made me see things as they really are. As I really have been. And I look at the realization as a blessing. That I get the chance to restart any day I want to. We all do. It's only a month and a half into the new year, and I can already tell my resolutions and my focus is going to be a constant process and commitment. But I am up for the challenge. 

Which ties in with my observation. I apologize, my writing is a tad manic at the moment as I am unloading at least a week of feeling into something I hope makes sense. I observed something I have been aware of for years. Something that binds me. Something that energizes and also hurts me. 

 My free spirit. (read it, it helps)

There is a cost to being free. Majority of the time, it is an isolating experience. To do what you want (in the confines of appropriate societal behavior) and to not apologize for it is something most people can never understand. I am normal- I have always wanted to fit in. But somewhere along the way, I knew I was born to stand out. Amanda Bynes reference aside, I couldn't deny the authenticity in my free nature.

Not having to consider myself before saying something out loud. Having conviction in my spontaneous and risky actions. Trusting myself and what I bring into this world all the time. Even in moments of doubt, I know who I am. I know what I bring to the table. I know ALL of my flaws. I tip my hat to anyone who thinks they have something to say to me that I haven't already discovered for myself. Which is probably where my intimacy issues come in. The fact that I am so intimate with myself hinders my ability to receive from other people. Try to tell me something I've done wrong and I will fight you! I don't mean to! I know it is frustrating and often confusing and complicated to other people, but I can usually always justify myself. And it's not just because I am a little shit or an asshole, it's because I truly believe I am living for me. 

People always tell me I am an old soul. I know I am an old soul. I've seen some shit. Which is why I don't succomb to the judgement or criticism of the people who don't live like me. I know I am frusturating. And complicated. It's because I am looking for something more. I always want more. I am curious. About everything bigger than me. So I go after it. And at times, this pisses a lot of people off. It pushes people away from me. It makes me the target of envy, jealousy, anger, dissappointment, shame and hate. Some people love me for it. Some people trust that my heart is good and that I am on a path very different from most people. I forged along the fork in the road at an early age, which means I signed up for the baggage that comes from being free. But I also am privy to the miracles it offers.

 

Ok, again don't get me wrong. This is not a victimizing post about how my free spirit works against me and everyone is out to get me...guys, I am out to get myself! I am in a relationship with myself. It is both the most freeing and hindering thing of my existence! I enabled other people to get in the way of my relationship with myself and once again, the drama ensued.

So I know what to do. I am not going to make some dramatic statement about needing space or blaming anyone for my feelings, I am simply going to step up to the plate again and work harder. I can't help that sometimes me just being me causes pain to other people, I truly wish it didn't. I also wish sometimes I wasn't so understanding and empathetic to other people. It often puts me in a position where I feel slightly walked over. But it's my heart. It's too free not to understand. Which is why if I can understand everyone around me and not fault them for their humanity, I'm not going to let other people do it to me. I'm not going to do it to myself. Think about media characters that we celebrate but secretly kind of condemn: Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind, Summer from 500 Days of Summer, Samantha from Sex and the City ...These girls are the free spirits of the screen; you want to be them at times but when their nature kicks in and is different than the norm, we turn on them. We are agents of change and opponents of inertia. Being a free spirit doesn't make me a trampler, ie. someone who doesn't care about other people's feelings.

Like these characters, I put my highest value on my free choice.

I think it's fitting that the days following the party have been spent on my own. Usually my phone is blowing up with the inquiries and needs of the people in my life, but for this weekend it was silent. No, I didn't feel great in my isolation. But it lead me here.

So my point is this: The cost of being free is a great one but humanity is something we all have the ability to understand if we try. I can only judge myself because I am the only one who truly knows myself. Being free and having a thick skin is essential. Because the world wants to stifle the ones that live out loud. And that's ok, I'm still working on what volume works best for me.