Documented Explorations of the Chaotic Mind




The Big Burn Out

It has been 5 days since I have written something.

It feels like I have been cheating on my writing with my life. And my life has not been treating me as well as I want. Not to say it is has been bad, but something has been off.

I think I got over whelmed with it all. I decided last weekend that I was going to remove myself from my social life for a few days and regenerate. That is to say, I was going to fully take care of my body and not partake in any 'social' activity that may include substances or other people. I needed to be on my own. Not only that, I needed to give my mind a rest. As you have followed with me, I have been creating and producing so much work the past month that I think I burned myself out!


I believe I had used up most of my inspiration and I needed to step away from everything I had been defining myself with in order to see everything clearly. Actually, I am not sure if I wanted to see anything at all. I wanted to feel something new. So I focused on my body and told my brain to take a break. I had a spa weekend more or less. I exercised frequently, I got a massage, I got groomed, I sweat it out, I hiked multiple times in different types of weather, I ate scrumptious food, I sat on the couch and watched new movies...I just chilled. And it felt great. If I wasn't going to be stimulating my mind and working it out, I was going to stimulate my body and stay active. I felt productive in an active way, which in some ways cleared my mental pathways. However...then the week started. And the overwhelm crept back in. I have yet to fully take a day to get myself reorganized. I had to accept that this week wasn't going to be the time to fully get back on the horse.

Although, I did start horse back riding again...and let me tell you, cantering after almost a year of not even being on a horse will destroy your inner thighs for the next 5 days, so I am walking like a hobo pretty much. But a few other things happened this week that more or less deterred me from my personal legend. Valentines Day and the Gentlemen's Party. Now I usually go all out on Valentine's day simply because I love love. I love celebrating it. I love sharing it. I just love it. Usually, if I don't have a special someone (sometimes even when I do) I treat the holiday as a dedication to myself. I treat myself the way a special someone might do for me. I enjoy sharing it with my friends and making them feel loved I enjoy creating valentines cards. I love romantic comedies and ordering out and just basking in the glory of a made up holiday that celebrates what I try to celebrate every day! This year was a tad different.

I woke up on Valentines day and decided I was going to make it my day. I was torn over my plans for the night because I actually had options. I was either going to have a big slumber party with new friends and movies and snacks. I was going to attend the Moth; a live story telling event that I had attempted a year ago, but somehow still have nerves over. The theme of the story telling event that night was LOVE HURTS. You had to tell a story relating to love that has hurt in some way. My intention was to go in with the story of my 5 year relationship, but something just didn't feel right about it. Yes, I believe in turning my broken heart into art always...but I didn't want to spend this Valentines day hating on someone I honestly don't even want to think about. It didn't seem like the energy I wanted to emit. And my last option crept up on me minutes before it turned midnight on Monday night. I guess you could say I have a friend in my life with some benefits. We've known each other since college and always had some distant relation, but somehow out of no where recently, we found a more intimate setting and I have to admit, the timing was sort of perfect. I won't go into great detail, but this person came into my life when I needed him. No expectations, no limits, no pressure, no deep intimacy... just enough to feel human and to really still be committed to my own life. Needless to say, it works. Not for everyone, but for me, it works. 

So my Friend With Benefits decided to asked me to be his valentine the night before and casually asked if dinner and a movie was a possibility. I thought about it for a second, hesitant that this may mean something more than I intended. But then I realized that the idea actually sounded nice. It felt good to have seemingly traditional plans, knowing deep down how unconventional the situation between us is. So I said yes.

And we actually had a pretty great time! Following drinks with my dear friend, with whom I consider another kind of valentine, the kind that last forever..I met up with my date and although we had plans to sit down at sushi and enjoy a meal before the movie, traffic was working against us and we had to beat the clock. One take out order of sushi later and 15 minutes in the car of him feeding rolls to me, we made the movie right on time. I looked in my purse and found a bag of hershey kisses sitting there. I looked at him and actually smiled. We had agreed we both didn't like the mushy stuff (well I don't like it unless it's actually a thoughtful act from someone). Which it was. I was surprised but happy. We got to the movie and my instinct was that we probably would sit in our own seats and maybe brush hands once in a while. Nope. This kid lifted the bar between us and straight up grabbed my hand for the entire two hour movie. And I didn't hate it. Following the movie, we went back to the same bar I started the night off. Of course my friendly bar tender cocked his eyebrow at me as he saw me bring in two different guys in one night, but I assured him, all friendships here. After a drink and some conversation, we made our way home. We both had early mornings, so we did the responsible thing and kissed each other good night. And as I walked away, I realized we had just managed to have a fairly traditional and fun Valentines day! Something I had not expected or asked for, which made it even sweeter.

Now don't get me wrong, this doesn't change the situation between me and FWB at all. We both understand what we are doing and what we want, so I am happy that we were able to share such a night but still expect nothing from each other. It sounds a little masochistic, which it is, but like I said...right now, for me, it works. So Valentines day was essentially a success. But I had something else weighing on me for the week. Something that somehow was still blocking me from my responsibilities and daily focus. The Gentlemen's Party.

I know that something like a party should not deter me from my daily grind. With everything I have expressed about accepting the highs and lows that come with life, the waves that I am still getting used to despite my awareness of their effects on me, a party gets in the way. But this party is different. This party exists as an ode to our lost friend. At the start of the year, I had a moment of inspiration with my friends that came out in the form of a party. The theme was always a Gentlemen's affair; a classy, candle lit, cocktail filled soiree. I wanted to celebrate the new year and all it had to offer with a new vibe. A more mature and iconic vibe. So the Gentlemen's Party was born. We decided we  would split the night into three events. The first would be a cocktail and gambling hour at our friend's apartment. Food, drinks, a few friends or rather the VIP's of the evening all clad in suits and hats for an early start. We would then meet at our favorite bar near my house for a small gathering before the end of then night.

The end of the night is at my house. It is the Red Light District portion of the night. The intent of this part was to celebrate hedonism and life in all its glory. Think speak easy, Moulin Rouge and James Bond all thrown into a room and that is what we are hoping it is. Red lights, games, specialty cocktails and outfits for the ages...needless to say, we got people excited about it. Because we are excited about it. And I know if my friend were still alive he would be cohosting with me, but instead I dedicate the night to him. To living like a gentleman. Something, I oddly find so much honor in. I am obsessed with gentlemen's culture. But to relate it to my BIG BREAK this past week, the party has been in motion for two months. Tomorrow it is finally here. All our work and efforts are about to pay off, and you may be wondering why a party seems like a such a big deal. Well it's because everyone I know has been working so hard and diligently this year to remedy all the shit of last year, and I wanted to honor and celebrate that. This party is more than an excuse to get messed up and chill. It's am emblem of the energy that this year has. Empowerment, unity, and passion. 

So, I have one more thing on the docket this week before I believe my brain will go back to normal. This isn't to say I have dropped the ball on my daily grind, in fact I have somehow managed to stay very active during it all. I am having to accept that sometimes being active is just as good as productive. I am used to being productive. To creating and working towards something. Well, to be honest, I haven't felt that inspired lately. I would wake up everyday this week and feel the guilt and weight of the avoidance I felt towards writing, towards work. I just didn't want to. This is a part of me. I often experience this lull of creative block. And as I said before, I forget it happens so when it does, it freaks me out! I feel like a failure. Until I realize, its a time to regenerate. to restabilize. I am being given a chance to see things differently. I just have to keep looking.

I am glad I gave myself a break. It reminded me who I want to be, not who I was. I don't want to avoid or back out of the things that will challenge me and inspire me. I did this week and maybe it's simply because I am overwhelmed. It's not that I don't care. But for some reason, I needed to not care for a few days. And then I woke up this morning, and I felt fear. I felt fear over the things I needed to face and accomplish over the next few days. But then I prayed. I say the same prayer every morning. Today, I asked for different things. I asked to stay focused and present. To dwell within me as me. And I used all the visualizations in my toolbox to eliminate the fear and resistance I have been having towards my life. And though I am still feeling a little out of it, I know I will get back on the horse and ride even faster. It is ok that I took a break. Because I am not the break, I am the person pushing through.

So I apologize if you've been looking for my posts and finding nothing. I have not abandoned my pursuits. I just needed a break. To appreciate it and miss it again. To regroup. This week has been a mess of a lot of different emotions, and to be honest, after this party, I am excited to be stabilized again. When I say stabilized, I don't mean it as severe as it sounds. It merely means, I know where I am at all times. Lately, I've been feeling a little lost. So I took a little break off my path. But I am eager to get back on it.

My point is this: sometimes a break leads to a breakthrough. I judged and denied this, but found it to be true when I woke up finally wanting to shed the nagging feeling that I wasn't listening to the world. To myself. Take a break when you need one, but don't let the break break you.