I am still learning how to let go of control. I can feel it. Especially today. I want to let go. I want to feel free.
I don't want a heavy heart. But I have one. Something about yesterday, something about the audition threw me off. That's where I was yesterday. At an audition. For something I am not yet going to divulge, but something that means a lot to me.
But I've said this before, when you really want something, it's usually when you don't get it, well for most of us that is. So I am afraid. And it caused me to go inwards and introverted. I was with my three friends last night and we saw La La Land. I needed to. I needed to be reminded of the magic that I am chasing. Of the passion and the beauty of the place I live in. One of my friends pointed out how I paid little attention to him for most of the night. I didn't realize this until later that it's because I was holding onto my emotions. I was controlling my place in the world. Had I been authentic with him, my nervous/anxious/scared self would've been exposed, and my other friends would've been exposed to this negative energy. So I kept it in. I hid.
This morning in my movement class, my teacher called me out for having these 'tricks' I use when I perform. Sometimes I make these specific faces that she pointed out read as 'like me'. It's funny to me because in my head, I believe I am doing something that enables my partner to feel more safe and secure with me. But I realized, its just control. I am controlling how they should feel towards me. Of course, I was disocouraged and embarassed when she said this in front of the class. But I can't be. I am an artist, this is what we do. We expose ourselves to the fullest, fully knowing that no one will feel anything unless we give it all away. The second you start to hold onto something for yourself; whether it be your emotions, your story, or your desires...you take it away from the audience. You take it away from your life. Today we practiced listening. We had to react fully to the movements of out partner, and just react. Don't plan. I didn't plan. But I could feel underneath when I was guarded. And my teacher was right. I put on a face that says I am fun and cool and you don't need to worry about me. But the rest of my story...I was in tears. The emotions of my yesterday poured through. I was scared. I didn't feel like I was enough. So I tried to control it. Here's the thing, my partner felt me. She looked into my eyes and said that she felt what I was giving. She never thought I was being selfish, just guarded. But being guarded in my line of work is being selfish. It's not about me. It's never about me.
I've said this as well before, but I have been putting a lot of myself into the world. I believe after putting myself into this audition yesterday, a bit of me was winded. Drained. I had given my heart over. And it scared me. All the other stuff I have managed to keep my boundaries in line, so there is a balance of my self and the other. But something hit me in the past day. That I still have more to learn. I could've combatted my teacher and tried to prove that what she observed wasn't what she thought, but I took it. I took it like an artist. Critical and empathetic. Open to being better. Needing to be better. Seeing it as an opporutnity to grow and be the artist I am meant to be.
So yes, I am still figuring out how to let go of control. It's ironic. If you see all the things I put into this world and all the intention I have behind my being, all I want is to let go of control. To not be so guarded and self aware. I don't know exactly when that defense mechanism came to be, but I am constantly trying to work with it so I can surrender and be free.
I have been walking around this day with a heaviness. A desire to be elsewhere. To relax. To stop. But I can't. I have a duty to myself and to the world to keep showing up. To move on with my day knowing I had a hard lesson bestowed upon me. But I trust I can handle it. Even if I am not skipping down the street with my usual pep, I am still showing up. I am still trying.
My point is this: never believe you're done learning. Because the second you get comfortable, life has a way of reminding you that you still have more to learn. Be open to it. Learning is the best gift we have as humans. To evolve is to surrender. To surrender is to be free. To be free is to live out loud.