Documented Explorations of the Chaotic Mind

 

 

 

When You Want Something

You know when you really want something? And it just makes you feel like a fucking crazy primal unkempt delusional spiraling jumpy anxious mess?

Like you want it so bad, your friends wonder who you probably murdered earlier because you're acting so far from yourself that it's uncomfortable? Like you actually make other people uncomfortable because all of your energy, all of the energy that would usually be dispersed as equally as possible, is now so inwardly enhanced that you're radiating anxiety. People have to calm you down to assure you that the cranial fairy tale you're rerunning upstairs is just the residual effect of stepping outside your comfort zone. 

And that's exactly what I did. I showed up. I tried. I have no idea how it will go. 

I have nothing to compare it to. How could I know if it went well or not? But I believe. I believe because it made me feel my art, because my friends helped so much, because I was able to keep it so sacred for so long... I believe it happened for a reason. I am open to the reason. And yes, I know this is vague. I'll divulge more as I know more. I am happy because I choose to be happy. No matter the outcome.

But damn, I really want it.