For The Mom
Today is my mom's birthday. As a little present, I am dedicating a little post in her honor to remind her that despite distance, she is with me always.
I have a very unique relationship with my mother. In short, I am able to communicate with my mother in a way I don't think most people can. I am able to tell her everything. And though it took us years to figure out how to do that, we worked hard at it.
My mother has seen me endure the roughest times. The best times. And the mediocre times. Yes it makes sense, she is my mother. But I find this fact interesting because I don't know if my siblings feel the same way. I am the baby of three kids, and the age gap between myself and my siblings was enough for us to be raised a little differently. Being the baby, people always thing we are handed everything and spoiled rotten (which we are). But what most people don't realize is that being the baby means not being expected to do as much. That can be pretty dampening on your soul as you get older only to realize that you are no example to anyone, it's a more isolating experiences to have no limits or boundaries because you are 'allowed' to be the free spirit. Anyway, another post about family dynamics. This one is for mom.
My mom is special. She radiates this inviting energy that I used to make fun of her for. Now, I see it in myself. I used to make fun of her for her wacky and experimental wardrobe. Now, I see it in myself. I used to get so embarrassed and annoyed when she would divulge personal details to people in service positions, and now I see it in myself! I didn't think it would actually happen, but I am turning into my mother!
But I am totally my mother's daughter. She sometimes reveals things about her past that suggest she felt the world the way I do. She lusted for adventure, excitement, lust and experience. She saw the world when she could. She is creative and talented and has so much to offer. I don't believe my mom was given the chance to always express this and show the world everything she can do. Which is why I make it a point to do as much as I can in my life as a way to pay her back. To thank her for providing a mom to us kids and a wife to our dad, so that we could do what she couldn't. It will always be one of my biggest weaknesses that my parents have supported and provided for me for so long. I don't believe I deserve that. I really don't. But when you become accustomed to a way of life, I admit, it's a hard thing to step away from. But I do what I do, I have learned to become what I must become to pay my parents back. I will one day pay my father back in riches and luxury and relaxation and pride. I will pay my mom back with the assurance that it wasn't all for nothing. That every moment she doubted or questioned my choices or personality...I knew it was all for something.
And one day, I think she got that. She started looking at me differently. She began to talk to me differently. I was no longer this extreme puzzle to her. She saw me putting the pieces together. And when I noticed this, I opened up to her. I began to divulge my true self to her. My true self is A LOT to handle, and I commend her every day that she still shows up for me despite the chaos I ignite. My mom often tells me how wise I am. That I think and see things differently. My mother knows all of my siblings gifts. So do I. But it is nice to hear it once in awhile. It is nice to know your parents are proud of you. It is nice to know they care about what you do. My mom has enabled me to live my dreams. My dad..well his post is just as heartfelt but I'll save the Dude for his day. But my parents, they are one of a kind. They are the coolest, most down to earth, generous, eclectic, and fun people I know. I swear my mom and dad have more fun than I do!
And I like to think sometimes about them as young adults. Would I have been friends with them? Would my mom and I be similar? I like to think yes. Because I admire my mom. I admire that she has the ability to make people feel loved. She has the ability, despite a piercing scream when she's looking for one of us in the house, to make people happy. I wish for her that she really embrace this fact about herself, as she often is dismissing or demeaning her efforts. A quality I trust developed over years of not being called out or appreciated for her efforts. I always tell my mom to accept the compliment, accept the good she evokes, accept what she brings to the table. I know she tries and has done so much more for herself than she thought she would. And I have to admit, I really like to believe I had some part in that. That I remind my mom of the person she is, which is a very special one.