Trust Falls

There is a special person in my life right now. Yes, another dear friend. 

You may notice that the term 'dear friend' is my preferred phrase for describing the people closest to me. This is because they are so dear to me and their privacy is a thing, so for ambiguous fun and for their protection, the dear friend remains.

This friend has made her stamp in my life. She didn't rent out space in my heart while we figured out our working relationship. No, she moved in, decorated her own room, and pretty much brushes her teeth next to me as if we have known each other our whole lives. No, she didn't actually move in with me. But she did inhabit my soul. Without divulging too much, this friend moved to LA a mere three months ago and when she arrived, I had a choice. I could either reject the addition of a new female to our tribe, one who happened to be very similar to me. OR I could embrace this addition as a blessing in disguise. So I went with the latter.

She walked into the bowling alley bar we happened to be congregating at. I took one look at her, handed her a shot and said welcome. Pretty much ever since then, we've become slightly obsessed with each other. It is rare to meet someone who sees you so clearly so quickly. It's unnerving. Being exposed without the time to prepare can be daunting! Not only that, but when you hang out with a group of people as much as we now do, it's easy to claim territory and fight to be alpha. But this was the gift; we shared it. And I like it. I actually like it. There was a time not too long ago where my control freak nature would cower at the thought of another person stealing my thunder; whether it be in hosting, planning, or connecting others. It just always felt like my role. But then I met her and suddenly, the responsibility was shared. And not only that, but the joy of having that power shifted for me. I have enjoyed not owning the power anymore. I no longer have to be the one in charge. Someone else has my back. Of course as a tribe, we all contribute fairly equally. (Just wait for my post on J. she is a fucking diamond and I am in love with her). But for these purposes, I will call the dear friend I am currently writing about Stitch. 

Something happened with Stitch last night. After a day of my friends pretty much giving me life during my epic hangover, we found ourselves at our friends' work place for a late night dinner. We are so obsessed with each other that we actually just go to work to see our friends more. Anyway, after dinner, Stitch and I coupled up to drive home together. In the car, I could tell something was on her mind. I don't know what prompted the conversation exactly, but Stitch grew a little anxious as I could sense she was going to tell me something. Pretty much, she explained how much she loved me but that when she was alone in her head and with no one to guide it, she for some reason felt like she couldn't trust me. Something about this made me smile. Yah, I am weird I know.

A little back story, Stitch's boyfriend happens to be one of my very dear friends that was around during the death of my best friend last fall. We grew close due to circumstances and for a brief, and I mean brief, think maybe two nights total, I had a little crush on the kid. I mean, I am only human. You add a new boy to the mix and feelings are bound to set off. But something was different between me and this guy. We were meant to be more like brother and sister. So my crush quickly evaporated and turned into a deeper love. One that meant I had his back and he had mine, no questions asked. Well, in my putting a conscious effort to put my best foot forward in the world these days, I decided to tell Stitch the truth about my school girl crush in the effort of relieving any tension that she may subconsciously pick up on as an empathetic woman. I owed it to her to be honest. Because despite this honesty being something of the past, something with no life or future to worry about, I was handing her my trust. I was giving her what she needed to know I meant business.

So when Stitch anxiously rambled on about how she wants to trust me and loves me, but something was nagging on her shoulder still, I continued to smile and wait for her to finish. I looked at her after she stopped talking and I told her:

You have good intuition. Your gut is right to warn you that I may be untrustworthy. Here's why, I was a shitty person once upon a time. I was selfish, manipulative, deceptive, and hedonistic. I took what I wanted and I cared very little about what that meant and who it hurt. I have lost countless people in my life due to these actions and I withhold a lot of myself from people until I know my vulnerability is in safe hands.

The look on her face after I said this was priceless. Imagine someone blatantly admitting they are a piece of shit after you have a hunch that they might be, then having to sit in a car with no where to go but to keep listening. Needless to say, I think she was a tad shocked. But I followed it up with this:

There is no amount of proving, showing, or telling someone that people change to satisfy a hunch. It's in the actions and the behavior of the person claiming to be different. But I can say with all my integrity and the heaviest heart I wear on my sleeve, I have done everything I know in my power to be the most authentic, honest, and good person I can be. I make a conscious effort now to expose and put good into the world. I have learned what it means to be a friend. What it means to love. And because of all the love lost in my life, it has become sacred to me. Trust is earned, that I know. And yes, I often hand over my trust before signing the insurance, and it's because I know I am putting the most sincere intention into everything I do now. Only your heart can tell you this, but I would never forsake what we have or the bond you have with another human, because I see it as sacred. I respect it. I honor it. I cherish it. Always trust your instincts. They lead us to the right places. But remember your instinct here was to share this information with me. To expose how you really felt. You want to trust me, and I am telling you that you can.

Her eyes filled with tears. The tension in her chest dropped. She looked at me and I could tell she saw my reality. She felt my truth. And we laughed off the fact that her boyfriend/my brother was most afraid of him losing his role in my series if she brought this up to me. But that would never happen. Because we agreed at some point upon meeting each other, that we had each other's backs. That we would take care of each other. That the love we shared was stronger than the passing moments that define us. I assured Stitch that I have her back. That she can take all the time she needs to trust that she trusts me. And I thanked her for her honesty, her candor, and I trusted in that moment that I could be my full and honest self with this person. Again, this is fucking rare!

So we looked at each other and we both said this:

I need you.

I mean. Break my heart and sweep it off the floor why don't ya. Then we proceeded to get out of the car, after finally pulling into a gas station to have this conversation (classy I know). And we hugged each other so tightly that I could feel the radiation of her love towards me enter my body.

I fell into her arms with all of my trust.

So my point is this: the hardest things to say are the most important. Candor is a skill and a fucking gift. Had Stitch never been that honest with me, we may have always had a wall between us that desperately wanted to come down. Don't be afraid to hear something about yourself that may not be utterly flattering. It means you have room to be better. It means you're not done. It means other people are popping up to teach you something. Or perhaps to solidify a lesson. I love this person and what she has done in such a short amount of time for my life.

And she reminds me, as they all do, that Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.